My life has been a rollercoaster ride of wrecked relationships, that have left me permanently damaged.
Growing up, I always had my head in the clouds about love. I thought love was all unicorn and sunflowers, but well, I thought wrong.
It’s disappointing, when you watch two people who loved themselves once, now look at each other as foes and strangers. Or when two people who had enough bravery to say I do to each other, lack the courage to stay in their once happy relationship.
My name is Hannah, I once loved, and it felt damn good! or so i thought…
I’m a pretty girl, one whom people would pass off as being naturally endowed. I have a great body, curves, and slender legs. I’m 5ft7, my skin is the colour of caramel, and flawless. I guess that was what attracted Mark to me.
Mark was this tall, chocolate coloured, handsome dude. He was a a member of their basket ball team in high school, and one of the popular boys in school. He had wit and charm that made many girls attracted to him.
He was the perfect Playboy figure. We met in my sophomore at college, he was my senior colleague, and we met at our school yearly, one week, summer camp, bonfire party.
After the event, we exchanged phone numbers and soon got talking. We became fast friends, probably because we had similar academic interest. Two months later we graduated into lovers.
Mark was my first love. I wasn’t his first, and he never loved me as much as I did him. I discovered too late that he wanted me for my body, and that I didn’t mean much to him.
Our relationship started out well, he was caring and over protective of me. 3 months later, all that changed.
I noticed he was always avoiding me, he barely texted back, or even phoned me. It was like he was gradually drifting off. Severally I tried to ask him what I did wrong, but he would just simply ignore me. He barely hung out with me, or asked how I was doing.
I had to constantly fight for his attention, in the process I turned into someone I barely recognized.
He made me feel less special, and It killed me the day I found out that the reason for his sudden change in attitude, was because he had another girl.
She was the one he paraded as his girl, while I was the “hidden side chick”. The one who had to constantly fight for his attention, the one who understood his “unreasonable excuses”, the “Love martyr”, the faithful one, his fool.
I couldn’t take it anymore, being disrespected by him. So I confronted him. To my utter shock, he didn’t deny that he had another girl somewhere and that I was only second fiddle. I felt so stupid! And humilated.
Heartbroken, I picked up what was left of my damaged heart and left.
Initially, i thought I would die without him, because he was my first love, but I later learnt to move on.
In order to show him I could do without him, I hurried off to date another guy. Someone I wasn’t even attracted to. I had resolved to never give any other guy my heart and body. I decided to date for only material things I could gain from this new guy. Truth was I never loved him, and I would never love him.
So, I made sure I didn’t repeat what I did in my other relationship. Like, being caring, understanding, loyal, etc. The new guy was everything some girls would pray for, he was understanding, caring, an attention whore, generous with cash and material things, he was willing to give me everything I asked for without hesitation, he was loyal, while on the other hand I was the opposite.
When he asked me for sex in return, I would violently refuse. I would stomp out of his house angrily and threaten to end the relationship if he ever asked that of me again. The next day, he would come on his knees to apologize and beg me to come back to him. After feigned vexation, I would agree when he flashed more expensive gifts at me.
One day, I got fed up of dating this new guy, especially because I didn’t find him physically attractive, and furthermore, after my friends had teased me that I had an ugly boyfriend.
So on his next birthday, I decided to end it with him, after he had asked me for sex that night again. I thought that was a perfect reason, so I capitalized on that, and we broke up that night. Admidst his pleas and promise to never raise the “sex issue” again. My mind was made up, I told him it was over and we were never meant for each other. He left, and though he came back crying and begging for another chance, I never looked at his face or changed my mind. He finally left.
Over the next few years, I had graduated and was working at the bank. Satisfied that I had gotten my revenge on someone else, and happy being single with little or no commitment to anyone. It meant I could make out with anyone I found “cute”. I was content with that, and though Mark came back this period to beg me for a second chance, I never gave him that opportunity.
Few years later, I crossed path with the second guy once again. This time I thought he looked different, he looked cute, had more charm, and had an air of confidence. I was attracted to him. We hit it off gradually as friends because I felt I knew him well, and I needed a friend.
I never knew he had other intentions. he still was generous and kind to me, I couldn’t help developing a new kind of feeling for him. It wasn’t a sexual feeling, but I know i felt comfortable and safe around him. So I confided in him, and we became friends. He gradually earned my trust.
One night, he invited me over to see him in his new apartment. Excitedly I went off to visit my “jolly good friend”. I was offered some fruits, because he knew how much I loved fruit. I ate some, and we got talking.
We had a conversation for what felt like eternity until I started feeling sleepy. Gradually i drifted into a dreamlike sleep, I had a vision I was struggling with someone, and when I woke up, it was morning and I was lying in my birthday suit, next to him.
Alarmed, I stood up and demanded an explanation for why I was in that position on his bed, he smiled and told me that he had the time of his life, last night.
Panic gripped me, and i started hurling curses at him. He looked surprised when he saw I didn’t take this well. It was when he started begging me to understand that he didn’t know what came over him last night, and he confessed he had used sedatives on me, and slept with me, that I realized I had been raped. My nightmare had become a reality. I realized he was a psychopath!
I hurriedly ran out of his house, and headed for my bathroom to cry my eyes out! I was his victim! I felt helpless and violated.
Presently, I feel crushed, angry, scared and scarred. I keep blaming myself for what happened, but one thing I’ve learnt is that there is always more than what meets the eye, and love is a dangerous emotion that can destroy one if care is not taken. I’ve learnt to never take anyone’s love or feelings for granted, or to be in a relationship for the wrong reasons.
I don’t know if I can ever find love again, but I’m certain that I won’t ever look at any guy in that way again without feeling a pang of fear and anger. I would never trust anyone again even if I tried.
I have learned these lessons in a bitter way and at a costly price.